One of the first churches my wife and I attended was also home to a publicly cuddly wify type (a PCW). Right during the sermon—and often for the duration of the message!—this woman’s red fingernails were busy scratching away at the back of her husband’s neck, eventually twirling his hair, and then rubbing his shoulders, and then back to the scalp scratching. It became a one-handed, unending cycle of scratching, twirling, and rubbing.
I’m sure the husband enjoyed the sermon. But the public massage fest was distracting for the 20 rows of unfortunate spectators behind the couple. It is almost impossible not to notice this activity (red fingernail polish didn’t help). And following the sermon became an almost impossible task. I can imagine a letter from Screwtape to Wormwood on the importance of encouraging wives to massage at church.
All this to say, I have been personally effected by the spiritual distraction caused by massages in church. Today I sign the manifesto to join People Against Massages In Church (PAMIC). Join me, and together we can put an end to this disruptive practice.
Tony Reinke 
This is hilarious! Never experienced it a whole heck of a lot myself but I can see where that would get annoying very soon.
Do you sit in the front row, Michael?
Yes I did, either close to the front or, if that section was full, on the front row of the second section (it was a big church), which is pretty much the same when there’s ten feet between you and the front section.
Now that I’m a pastor I have to sit on the platform and that has a whole set of annoyances all its own.
She goes to your church too?
I’ve had similar distractions; it was a young couple who always set in the very front row and it was a scalp massage of a shaved head. Even w/o the finger nail polish it was distracting.
So I’ll sign your manifesto. :-)
I’m ready to sign up! I’ve tried to view such physical affection as tenderness, whether between couples, siblings, or friends, but it’s definately distracting. Thanks for the levity! Linda
people…get a grip! sit somewhere else…
life is filled with distractions. does everyone else need to change so you can hear the sermon? really? this seems a bit ridiculous…i apologize, but truly it does.
if it is a big church…move to the other side. if it is a small church…sit in front of the offending couple. if they arrive after you, wait until they seat themselves before you sit down.
seek God for yourself, take responsibility for your need to hear the sermon and avoid distraction. There will ALWAYS be something, as long as you allow these things to distract you.
and, no…i’m not a massaging wife. but, i believe God probably isn’t offended by the massaging wife.
Tony,
Re: Daphine,
Who says your blog must be fair and balanced? This isn’t Fox news.
“i believe God probably isn’t offended by the massaging wife.”
Perhaps not. But the British are:
http://solofemininity.blogs.com/posts/2009/01/on-massage-in-church.html
Thanks Bill. :-)
you guys are a mess…Jesus must be laughing.
Thank you for the laughs, my wife and I have experienced the distracting hair twirling first hand and would be happy to sign the manifesto – hilarious!
That is a really funny observation. I have seen a lot of strange things from the pulpit, but I never thought about what I was missing in the pews!